Not cream

A collaboration with Abigail Swartz Gray! Blank inside.

For all those times some asshole keeps interrupting you and you nearly bite through your lip. We flavored it with coffee and walnut, because we suddenly and inexplicably were in the mood for pairing nuts and scalding hot coffee. 

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

This may be my favorite scent of all time. Then again, I think grass stains on the knees is a flawless sign of happy children and my favorite kind of adults, so I could be partial. The scent is lush, sweet, and very green, just like a freshly mowed lawn.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger. Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied. The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant. You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance Oil; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

Reindeer Farts (the flying kind, don't get all zoology major on us) smell like peppermint-frosted sugar cookies. You didn't think Santa ate all those cookies himself, did you?

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

If you're thinking about being that jackass who spoils the movie for everyone else, take a minute, put on some lip balm, and remember that BRUCE WILLIS WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME! Each label is armed with one of hundreds of different spoilers. Some are obvious, some are obscure, some are rewrites to reflect what obviously should have happened instead of what actually happened. Sorry, we're going to have to pick the spoilers for you. No, we can't tell you which one you're going to get, that would spoil it.

Flavor: chocolate and soda. Because movies, and popcorn is so clichéd.

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

If you don't like puppy kisses, you can't sit with us. Flavored with peanut butter and pumpkin, and you don't even have to wonder where it's been!*

*No puppies were harmed in the taking of this photo, but Buckley did require 11 treats to sort of sit still for almost (but not quite) long enough to take an in-focus shot.

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

Really the only respectable excuse to drink soda, in our opinion.

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

Rose, sea moss, and a few drops of fir needle. Cuz, Maine.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger. Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied. The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant. You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance Oil; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

Ponies like two things: apples and sugar cubes. OK, and carrots and scritchies and playing tag, but mostly apples and sugar cubes. This balm smells like those two things. You can stop making out with your pony now.*

*Tina Belcher glasses not included, but recommended.

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

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Notes of green grass, drying hay, lilac, honey, and a hint of wild strawberries. Just like a Maine pasture in Summer, minus the sheep poos. Well, and the fact that lilacs bloom in the Spring. You get the idea.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger. Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied. The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant. You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance Oil; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

I have it on good authority that mermaids serve coconut lavender cakes at their underwater garden tea parties, so I went ahead and put it in a perfume. Sweet coconut cream with some Bulgarian lavender and vanilla to keep it civil.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger.  Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied.  The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant.  You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance Oil; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

Sweet and green, this is a blend of honey, crushed green leaves, sweet orange, and a little bitter almond.  It's surprisingly fresh and Alpine meadow-like.

Fun fact: Back in the day, German soldiers climbed great heights to retrieve this flower and prove their worth. Pretty badass.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger. Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied. The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant. You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

Super fresh lemon essential oil and poppy seeds for a little grit.

About 5oz per bar.

Superfatted to 5%, tested on friends, not animals. Each bar comes in its own little muslin bag, wrapped in a recycled paper band, printed with title and ingredients.

Ingredients: Water; Lye; Coconut, Palm, Olive, and Canola Oils; Shea Butter; Lemon Essential Oil; Poppy Seeds

This slice of delicious is mostly toasted almond with notes of nutmeg and drizzled chocolate. Not to be taken lightly, folks.

About 5oz per bar. 

Superfatted to 5%, tested on friends, not animals. Each bar comes in its own little muslin bag, wrapped in a recycled paper band, printed with title and ingredients.

Ingredients: Water; Almond Milk; Lye; Coconut, Palm, Olive, and Canola Oils; Shea Butter; Fragrance

This smells like a baby** who has just come out of a nice warm bath, and is all powdered, swaddled, and ready to dream. It's a blend of sweet milk, oatmeal, vanilla, amber, and a splash of tangerine for giggles.

**I've gotten a lot of chatter and feel the need, believe it our not, to clarify that this is for making YOURSELF smell like a baby.  Please don't put perfume on your baby. That little peanut smells good enough on his/her own.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger. Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied. The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant. You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance Oil; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

A crazy delicious blend of sea breezes (the clean, blue-green kind, not the fishy kind) and sweet buttery coconut. I kinda wanna drink it a little bit. Or at least swim in it. I won't swim in your perfume, don't worry.

About .3oz in a little glass bottle complete with roll-on thinger. Individually shrink wrapped, and tested on friends, not animals.

The carrier oils I use are fractionated coconut oil and unrefined hemp seed oil, which make for a light, non-greasy feel when applied. The vitamin e is in there as an antioxidant. You'll notice the shocking lack of alcohol.

Ingredients: Fractionated Coconut Oil; Unrefined Hemp Seed Oil; Fragrance Oil; Tocopherol (Vitamin E)

This listing is for 50 tubes of lip balm favors with labels customized by color and message. If you need 100 tubes, add 2 of this listing to your cart.  If you need 150, add 3, 200 add 4, etc.  After you've purchased, don't forget to contact me with the date of your event, your chosen flavors (please keep it up to 5 of the flavors listed below) and your chosen message (examples below). 

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and peppermint essential oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

The balm comes in oval plastic twist-up tubes, which hold .15oz/4g each and are individually shrink wrapped.

Please allow up to three weeks for delivery, as this listing is made to order. 

Flavors: 

• Almond
• Banana Nut
• Birch Beer
• Bourbon
• Chai
• Cherry Almond
• Chocolate Lavender
• Cocoa Rose
• Coconut Limeade
• Coffee Brandy
• Earl Grey
• Gooseberry
• Grape
• Honey
• Julep
• Lavender Honey
• Lavender Peach
• Maple Almond
• Mojito
• Orange Cream
• Peach
• Pegasus
• Peppermint Hot Cocoa
• Piña Colada
• Pistachio Chip
• Plain Jane (unscented)
• Pony Breath
• Pumpkin Cheesecake
• Puppy Kisses
• Raspberry Lime
• Sea Sprite
• Strawberry Jam
• Toffee
• Turkish Delight
• Unicorn Farts
• Vanilla Mint
• Watermelon
• White Almond
• Yeti Breath

And some popular messages:

"Aubrey + Harvey
Sittin' in a Tree"

"Lindsay & Heather
July 23rd, 2016"

"Team Johnson
July 23rd, 2016"

"Thank you for sharing this day,
Gabby & Jill"

"We're so glad you came!
Vincent & Gabe"

"We loved your company!
Hannah & Mark"

As always, we're diehard allies of the LGBTQP community! We're honored to be included in your celebration of love, regardless of your pronoun or preference. 

Yetis eat yellow snow. So this tastes like a lemon coconut snow cone! Heck yeah, lemon snow cones.

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

Smells just exactly like real imaginary unicorn farts! Which smell like spearmint and pink cotton candy, everybody knows that.

This balm is designed to melt into your lips, not into your jeans! Which is good, because I keep mine in my butt pocket. That would be embarrassing... It's got lots of yumminess in it: natural beeswax (you'll smell a little extra honey), unrefined cocoa butter (you'll smell a little cocoa too), unrefined shea butter, jojoba, sweet almond, and grape seed oils, vitamin E, and flavor oil. It's carefully formulated to give you the perfect balance of protection and softness, so you won't end up feeling greasy or waxy. My mom says, "Ooo, creeamy" every time she uses hers, if that's any indication. She has a little flair for the dramatic.

It comes in an oval plastic twist-up tube, which holds .15oz/4g and is individually shrink wrapped.

'Unicorn Farts' for cosmetic use is a registered trademark. My registered trademark, to be specific. Thank you for respecting my intellectual property and legal headaches, bath folk!